past (father’s day)

Round here, she’s slipping though my hands

“Round Here,” Counting Crows

i texted you in the fog of waking
having not responded the night before

i didn’t fall asleep
i past out

you replied
correcting me as you do

your sleep was so serious
that you went back in time

you often ask me to say hell
as entertainment so i thought

past out is what we say around here
like my extra syllable in hay-uhl

father’s day was a couple days ago
the recent past now passed

while you have been away
i have been looking at my hands

with summer tanning and 58 years
they look even older than usual

but they are all i have left of my father
who passed away two summers ago

mine not exactly like my father’s
because no one has those giant hands

but i see him more and more each day
in my own hands reaching into our past

i texted you i am sorry i am old
carrying almost more past than i can bear

and you asked me about my father’s day
although you know i hate holidays

because they become less holy
but burdens of remembering loss

these things, they go away
replaced by everyday

while i am here mishandling being alone
and you are there

i imagine us on your couch
i lean my head back and close my eyes

so i can only feel the arch of your foot
and not see my father’s hands there

i will not look
i will not let go

—P.L. Thomas